Ignorance is Marital Bliss

A lot has been going on in my life recently; separating from my husband being the catalyst, it seems. I've been struggling with depression for years and I think my unhappiness with my marital situation was the root cause, although I never really fully formed that theory. It's not that I don't love him as a person, even tho we disagree on nearly everything, but I just don't have any romantic feelings for him and I haven't in a long time. Again, however, I never really fully formed that into a conclusion until recently. I honestly thought that since we had been doing it for so long and I never knew anything any different that I didn't really have the option to change it and do something else. It was my own ignorance and fear keeping me from being happy.

Looking at my life now, I'm most excited about being single for what is really the first time. My excitement is not in having the opportunity to meet someone new or to pursue relationships, serious or otherwise, but in being left alone to make the decisions I feel are best for me. I'm most excited about getting to be myself without worrying about someone else's opinions or criticism on a daily basis. I never really realized how much of my time was spent on wondering what he was going to say about what I was doing, the choices I was making, the paths I was trying to discover, and then dealing with the opinions I knew he was going to give me. We see the world from completely different perspectives.

It just occurred to me today how many silly things I would keep from him: the times I forgot the keys, let the car battery die, left the front door wide open... stupid things that normal people would laugh about, but I didn't tell him because I didn't want him to think that I was stupid and make fun of me for it, or even know that I was capable of such mindlessness. It was like our lives were a competition all the time and we were (and still are) afraid to let the other see weakness. That can't be normal. Or if it is, I vote no.

I think what I'm most looking forward to as I look at what I want my life to be now, is in having all of the POWER back in my life. The power to make decisions without worrying about criticism, have opinions without worrying about being judged, being myself without worrying about being mocked.

At 30 years old, I finally feel like an adult.